Hell-ALF

Looking up from the shadows, she mutters, “bring me one of those cats.”
The druid looks at her, curious. “You got money to pay for it?”
She replies quick as an arrow. “You paid for it?”
“No.” After a pause, he continues, “So, you got money?”
Her furry hands grab at her cloak, pulling it tighter. “Not a penny…I’ll still take that cat.”
“Tell you what,” the druid says, sneering, “we’ll trade you. Some of its fur for a bit of yours.”
“You’re a talker,” the mysterious woman chides, “and listening makes me thirsty–and hungry.” She thinks for a moment and adds, “think I’ll take two cats.”
Blades flash in the darkness as the druid’s companions slip from out of the shadows and he grimly tells the diminutive, enigmatic stranger, “you don’t understand the situation.”
She grabs the hilt of her sword, gripping it with a lightness only known by true killers, and with her other she pulls her hood back. The very fires of Hell itself flash from the hell-ALF’s eyes as the druid and his posse reflexively step away, bodies quaking in fear. “I understand that if any more words come pouring out your cunt mouth, I’m gonna have to eat every fucking cat in this alley.”

When the planet Melmac was destroyed, the vast majority of the melmacians living on it died–and most of them were pieces of shit so they went straight to Hell. After centuries of terrible wisecracks, ever-lacking sarcasm, and overblown performances however, both fiends abyssal and infernal could take no more. In an unprecedented act they expelled these melmacians from the afterlife, kicking them back into the Material Plane to plague mortals as Hell-ALFs.

 

Smells As Bad Inside As Outside!

Hell-ALFs are not pleasant to look upon and smell absolutely terrible, constantly emanating the scent of rotting corpses, pickle brine, feces, methane, and somehow also stale bread. Fortunately they only grow as tall as a human child, making it easy to at least look away from them and their mottled, half-melted fur. What little Hell-ALF flesh is exposed is disturbingly synthetic and covered in the slobber constantly drooling from their mouths. Most disturbing of all however are their alien eyes, dark red orbs that resemble crimson pools of blood more than anything else.

 

No Joke Left Behind

There are only two true sins for Hell-ALFs: not telling a bad joke and telling a good joke. Every conversation is a means to corny, masochistic entertainment as they subject the living souls around them to banal humor with only one purpose: delighting the Hell-ALF as they watch their audience suffer from the inanity.

 

Hell-ALF Nests

Most civilized places forbid Hell-ALFs as a matter of course and so they sometimes aggregate together, taking over the nearest ruins they can find. Eventually people will come looking for something inside and the whole populace make them suffer for it, replying to literally every sentence said by visitors with cringe-worthy quips and one-liners–most people can’t take it and flee before reaching whatever they sought.

 

Hell-ALF Names

White people names.

Male Names: Bryan, Cameron, Chad, Garrett, George, Ryan, Ross, Todd, Will
Female Names: Allison, Britney, Jessica, Katie, Mackenzie, Rachel, Tiffany, Veronica

 

Hell-ALF Traits

Your Hell-ALF character has an assortment of inborn abilities, traits once evolved on Melmac then warped by fiendish powers.

Ability Score Increase. Your Constitution score increases by 2.

Age. Even before the race’s death melmacians could live for more than half a millenium (no longer than 650 years). Now however they are eternal.

Alignment. All Hell-ALFs are obsessed with their own entertainment and have no compunctions about doing so even when it endangers others or themselves. They are, to the last, chaotic evil.

Size. Some Hell-ALFs grow as high as 3 and a half feet but most do not. It is unusual for them to weigh more than 100 pounds and no less than 40 pounds. Your size is Small.

Speed. Your base walking speed is 25 feet.

Darkvision. The fires of Hell still dance in your eyes, giving you superior vision in dark and dim conditions. You can see in dim light within 60 feet of you as if it were bright light, and in darkness as if it were dim light. You can’t discern color in darkness, only shades of gray.

Cat-Eater. You have an unyielding thirst to consume the flesh of felines. When you see a cat (or catfolk) you must make a DC 14 Wisdom saving throw or be compelled to do everything you can to eat the cat. This compulsion lasts for 1 minute. At the end of each of your turns, you can make a new saving throw to end the effect. Once you have successfully resisted this trait, you are immune to its effects for 1 hour.

Cotton Addiction. When you see unwoven cotton, you must make a DC 14 Wisdom saving throw or be compelled to consume it. 

Dense Metabolism. When you eat in excess, you grow denser instead of fatter. When you have consumed twice as much food as a human adult would require every day for a week, your armor class increases by 1,  your weight doubles, and you jump half as far as normal. As long as you continue to eat this much food every day, this trait’s duration continues.

Hellish Resistance. You have resistance to fire damage.

Keen Hearing. You have advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on hearing.

Stench. Any creature that starts its turn within 5 feet of you must succeed on a DC 10 Constitution saving throw or be poisoned until the start of its next turn. On a successful saving throw, the creature is immune to your Stench for 24 hours.

 

Inspired by this meme